The truck was loaded and the giant metal doors locked with a screech.
Everything was gone. The house we built, the home we designed and chose every single doorknob for was empty. I screwed every floorboard in on the main level. I painted every piece of trim. I planted every blade of grass.
It didn’t seem that long ago that my youngest was rolling around in the dirt of the vacant lot we had just bought. I can still remember the joy on my son’s faces as they ran around in between 2×4’s and chose their rooms when they were simply lined out on plywood.
I loved that house. It was our dream. An incredible neighborhood A quiet cul de sac. The school we wanted our kids to go to. It was wonderful to live there for five years.
For our last moments inside my beautiful wife led us room by room as we reminisced.
I felt no emotion.
Well, let me clarify that: I felt every emotion. I just did my thing and repressed them all.
I had this distinct feeling of all the emotions I was feeling floating around me in a circle and being unable to stop the wheel for long enough to feel one of them. Really, I didn’t want to feel anything.
Exhausted from packing, exhausted from the last six months – the last year – I stood there and no tears came. No sobs. Nothing.
I’m the guy who cried at the end of The Dark Knight Rises. I’m a guy who cries pretty easily. But I didn’t in those last moments.
Why didn’t I allow myself to feel? Why didn’t I stop the wheel of emotions long enough to feel one? Too tired? Too shallow? Too…what?
Too used to living in my default way of being. For most of my life I have avoided pain at all costs. I’ve been trying to live differently and learn through the suffering, to embrace the pain and allow it to teach me to be more obedient to God.
But as I lay here in the hotel bed I don’t want to feel anything. But I know I don’t want this time in my life to be wasted. So I wonder what God wants me to learn?
Maybe it’s that I need to be string for my wife and kids right now. Maybe it’s making my feelings take a back seat so I can be fully present for them.
Anyway, thanks for reading.