Have you ever thought: “I’ve already screwed up, I might as well just give up for the day”?
I often do this when I give in to a temptation I’m trying to work on or I eat a bad breakfast or have dessert at lunch or have a cigarette or whatever else I might be working on. It’s like giving up just because you made a mistake.
I do this often.
I heard a saying a few days ago (second-hand) that when you give up and engage in self-destructive behavior just because you made a mistake it’s like dropping your iPhone and cracking the screen, but instead of picking it up and seeing if it alright you start jumping up on down on the iPhone to make sure it’s good and broken.
I get the wisdom in that – I really do – just because you make one mistake or engage in some behavior you are trying to avoid, it doesn’t mean you should just let go any discipline or willpower you may have.
But I do. Often. I guess, in my own mind, I’m not better than an iPhone.
This brings up a lot of questions that again, I know the answers to, but have a hard time believing them or living them out:
My identity – I know I am God’s beloved son. I know he loves me no matter what, that I am accepted and forgiven and that nothing can separate me from the love of the creator of the universe. But when I’m feeling crappy and disappointed and ashamed of myself, that doesn’t seem to matter.
My self-worth – I know I’m going to feel horrible about myself afterwards, but I still do it. I know that isn’t who I want to be, but I still do it. I know the shame voice in my head shouldn’t be listened to, but I join in like a catchy pop song chorus.
I just keep jumping up and down on that iPhone. Smash it to bits.
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to do all this on my own power. Maybe. Maybe it’s because white-knuckling things can only take you so far. Maybe I need to work on my self-discipline. Maybe I just need to be encouraged more. Maybe I need accountability. Maybe all of it. Maybe.
But for right now, I’m just jumping up and down and hearing the fragments crunch.